“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
It’s been so challenging to confront myself over the past couple of months. So very challenging to look at myself in such a raw space of utter confusion about who I am and what I require to be happy. I am on my own for the first time in years.
On occasion I will cry and say, “Did I do the right thing?”
When it comes down to it, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I grew. I sat in the rainforest and on the beaches of Costa Rica and I questioned everything. I let go of everything I thought I knew and I welcomed whatever the Universe had in store for me. I surrendered.
The next thing I knew I was packing my bags and headed North only to plunge head first into another relationship. It was short lived. It was like a fairy tale and then a nightmare. Initially I thought I was getting what I deserved, a night in shining armor. Someone to heal all of my wounds. When he turned dark my heart quivered. Here I am again. What am I doing wrong?
Despite the encouragement of mentors and my community to stay single for a time so that I could grieve the loss of my long term lover, I didn’t listen. I stayed the course. I continued to open myself up to “love.” I kept attracting men that could not treat me the way I required because I couldn’t treat myself the way I require. They were broken because I was broken.
I decided to go on a 40 day Man Detox like Jesus fasted in the desert. I could commit to 40 days. If I needed to I would extend it out from there. It has been a journey. There have been trials and tribulations. I have been tested! I have fallen and then gotten back up.
Here is what I learned.
- A partner won’t complete you. No matter how how you try to wash away your emotional lows and amp up your highs with something outside of you, the journey to fulfillment starts within.
- Girl friends are priceless. Surrounding yourself with a community of loving women is like nestling into a garden of sparkling jewels. You are held in beauty and reflected back your magnificence.
- Guys friends are priceless, and they are people too. When you get out of a relationship it is easy to loathe the opposite sex. Even if it is subconscious you may have an aversion to treating the opposite sex with decent and respect. The challenge comes when you are attracted to the friend. When it comes down to it, we are all made of the same stuff. Be kind. Honor each other. Let your community rise up around you. Male and female.
- I am pretty cool. So are you. In fact, we are really, really, really cool. I never had a chance to get to know that on my own before. If you are constantly looking outside of yourself for validation, you never getting into the meat of it for yourself. It creates a pattern of outside affirming which is a really tough habit to reverse when it a partnership if you are already in a rhythm of it. However it is doable no matter where you are in live. Breathe in your beauty. Love yourself in all moments, through the laughter and the tears.
- I don’t have to grow, “Perfectly.” I have the gift of forgiveness. I have fallen down several times on this path to myself.
- Resisting Temptation is a bitch. Oh my goodness. I am certainly not as steadfast as Jesus. I can only try. I have to pat myself on the back though because as much as it makes me chuckle.. the last time I was asked out on a date during this detox, I got to respond with, “I can’t. I am on a MAN FAST!” I am pretty sure his eyes grew two sizes, like, “What did she just say to me?” That’s right boys, a man fast, aka, man-tox.
- God is good. All the time. Trust that you are taken care of and what lies ahead of you is unfolding in a golden path.
- I am sexy. You can be sexy and not be promiscuous or in a partnership. You can fall in love with your Shakti energy and let it blossom the Goddess you were meant to be.
- I look forward to being with myself. When you strive to be with people constantly what are you trying to escape? Being alone can be a beautiful experience! Get to know the soul peering out of that body. You are Divine and worth getting to know.
- I can take care of myself. Compassionately tell the voice in your head, that tells you won’t be able to do this on your own, “I bid you adieu!” It is so empowering to know that you can do this on your own. You are powerful Goddess. During this process I have been learning how to self-sooth when I get sad or lonely. You can hold yourself like a small kitten and imagine the Creator stroking your hair. You can do this with gentleness and strength.
Have you ever done this? What were your greatest lessons?